theoriginalspike: innumerablegibbons: A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday It would be funny if this joke had a punchline Wooden tit
i think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anybody else to feel like that
they-call-me-wonder-woman: h0odrich: It’s mad depressing when u eat the last piece of candy but you didn’t look at the bag and realize it was the last one so you could truly appreciate it for what it was worth This speaks to me on a deep emotional level.
ambassador-of-anguish: shouldertappingghosts: If I was a famous author I would publish a book with ten different endings which all went to print with varying degrees of rarity, but not tell the fans about it so that I could watch their confusion as they disagree over how the story ended. Then when they figured it out I would ‘come clean’, telling them that I had released eleven alternate...
binkshapiro: whosromeo: girls are attracted to assholes because in elementary school girls were told “if he’s mean to you that means he likes you” the da vinci code has been cracked
Miss Piggy On Beauty
fearfullymade-locs: thedameloves: homeisaheartbeat: What are your top beauty tips? Start out perfect and don’t change a thing. Always accentuate your best features by pointing at them. And conceal your flaws by sucker punching anyone who has the audacity to mention them. Never too old to learn from the Muppets. And this: “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary...
youputthetowelonthetable: barryyouasshole: What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business
potential-and-difference: prop-215: dazegetbrighter: what if rocks are actually soft but just tense up when we touch them? How stoned are you right now? Was that a fucking pun?
nishlo: nishlo: CARTOONIST FOUND DEAD IN HIS APARTMENT DETAILS ARE SKETCHY
marielikestodraw: pahnem: mercuriesrising: aparticularlygoodfinder: Go to Starbucks. Order coffee for “Prisoner 24601” When they call out your order, jump up and yell “My name is Jean Valjean!” And if the barista replies with “AND I’M JAVERT,” you tip that motherfucker so hard you tip them right over the edge of a bridge you fucking didn’t oh my god.
Batman is actually a Disney princess. Pass it on.
bakerstreetsdoctor: dark-forest-knight: dirty-purple-suit: “The LEAST you could do was find a decent picture … “ OH MY GOD
nokodesu: k3tamine: salmiakkivodka: If dudes are expected to have a lot of sex But ladies are expected to stay virgins until marriage But homosexuality is bad I’m really confused who dudes are supposed to be having all that sex with horses
The following quotations are taken from official...
Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."
Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."
Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."
Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."
Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"
Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."
Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"
Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"
Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"
Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
Lawyer: "Were there girls?"
Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
Witness: "I can't remember."
Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"
Witness: "I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"
Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."
Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "Yes sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"
Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"
Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."
Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
Witness: "The victim lived."
maybewordsmith: justplainsomething: schnickledooger: believeinprongs: Can you imagine Fred’s face when he’s in heaven and realizes that Prongs is Harry’s dad? “THE LITTLE SHIT NEVER TOLD ME THIS.” Finally a post about Fred’s death that made me genuinely smile^^ Also, Lupin. His goddamn teacher was Mooney the whole time. Oh, and Wormtail was the family rat. So yeah, Harry’s going to...
nannajane: in 7 years its going to be the 20s again so we can bring back swing music and the aesthetics of that era but keep modern values who’s with me
I always automatically assume that when people are talking about kisses, it is about hershey kisses. It makes it far more awkward when I ask them to share.
big-booty-itches: when your parents ask you to help them with technology
danalmostcaughtonfire: THIS WILL ALWAYS BE MY FAVORITE VIDEO ON THIS WEBSITE
ohshititsgreg: If your name is Frank and you don’t use the opportunity to say “let me be frank with you” every day then you are truly dead to me